You know this irritable feeling when someone has something that you want. It finds its way into relationships, friendships or at work. It might be that a attractive woman enters the room, all eyes on her, and you think: Damn, why do I not look like this? It might be the salary raise of the colleague, the new car of your neighbour or any other mind-crushing negative outburst when you have this urgent need to own what's in other people's possession. A feeling which is slowly building up and not really welcome: jealousy.
This twisting feeling in the stomach? Ah, jealousy. You again.
Some of us experience it more, others less. Jealousy. Personally I used to have a hard time with jealousy, especially when it was about the professional achievements of someone else. But instead of feeling inferior, I changed my entire mindset and see their success as a positive motivator for my personal pathway.
People can be jealous for various reasons. But why are we even jealous? How is it possible that some tend to control this negative feeling better than others? Well, a study shows that jealousy lays in our genes. So, we cannot entirely control it. A lot has to do with feeling insecure or former negative experiences. Also, there are different forms of jealousy ranging from romantic jealousy within a relationship to the one defined by competition or the property of someone else.
Now, how to deal with your jealousy.
First of all, what are the real facts why you're jealous in the first place? When talking about jealousy between women, is it because you're scared that this other girl might take something away from you? A partner for example? Step back and understand that we're talking about your personal emotion, something which isn't the fault of another person. By projecting your insecurity over to someone else, you do nothing else than harm. To others and to yourself.
Jealousy comes up with insecurities and fears, and it's okay to feel them. But have you considered that a) you can accomplish whatever the other person does b) the person you're envying isn't perfect either and c) that it's crucial to focus all the amazing parts about yourself in order to feel more grounded and confident? Let me tell you more on how to deal with your jealousy:
#1 Love yourself
Take the time and write down what you like about yourself. Not only the physical attributions, but everything. Starting from your sense of humour or the languages you speak. Jealousy has a lot to do with feeling inferior and insecure. And that's something that you can actively address.
#2 Stop comparing yourself to others
We mostly see the beautiful moments in the lives of others. Who shares their losses and mistakes, the ugly mess-ups, the heartbreaks, especially on platforms like social media? Think about it. Whatever you see is constructed, and the only person who can be real with you is yourself.
#3 Heal what needs to be healed
Let's say you're jealousy rises within your relationship based on the fact that a former partner cheated on you. We tend to take past experiences and pass them over to our current lives while projecting those negative feelings to new people who might do the same and harm us again. You try to protect yourself. Yet we need to understand because one person has hurt to you doesn't mean the other person would act the same way.
#4 Get motivated
Instead of feeling threatened by the achievement or possession of someone else, change your mindset and think: "Well, how have they done it? And what do I need to do in order to get there?" If someone owns something that you would like to have, consider if you really want to have it and if so, then find ways to get it!
Be aware that most people deal with a certain level of jealousy based on insecurities, fears and bad experience. What's important is to be aware of this feeling and confront yourself with it. It helped me tons to ask myself every time: Why does this feeling rise and what can I actively do to get it away. Don't forget, you're in always in charge.
Text by Bernak Kharabi